Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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