He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
