I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
