My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
