I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
