If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
