We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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