I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
