Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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