Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
