so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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