My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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