I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize