If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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