Plan B is the new Plan A
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
