I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She swung at the pinata with crutches
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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