I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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