I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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