i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?