he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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