Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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