You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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