Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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