u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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