There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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