I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
