Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
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