Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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