WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
