My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
