drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
