He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
