you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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