even my farts smell like vagina
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
