I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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