Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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