I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
