This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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