we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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