I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
where does the pee come out of this thing
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
