i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
