Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize