my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
