every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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