Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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