I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
