The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
