Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
