I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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