Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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