Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
