I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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