life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
