can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
