I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
