Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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