I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
