All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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