dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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