Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
