Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well I just put wine in my tea
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
