did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
