i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
