Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
