i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
